A Challenge to Elon: Can You Do Simple?

 

Keep it Simple, Stupid.  

We’ve heard that chestnut forever.  But is it good advice or just the ramblings of an old fart?

When I was young, I never had a lot of money.  But I was always good with my hands – Slavs are usually hands-on people.  And while I issue this challenge to the Tony Stark of our age – the inimitable Elon Musk – my challenge applies to every company that manufactures the sheit we purchase every day.  The Harbor Freight and Amazon offerings that clog up our garages and have a useable lifespan measured in weeks.

 

Alright, Elon.  Here goes.

Make me a car Have your rocket-scientists go to Mexico and haul back to Texas an old, weatherbeaten, worn-out and battle-scarred Volkswagen Beetle.  The old, air-cooled kind like we all grew up loving and beating the tar out of back in the days when music was good, women were kind and the USA made sense.

This is your yardstick.  Let’s call this minimalist design the  AK47  just for shits and giggles.

Use your electric “skateboard” frame and mount nice hatchback body on it.  Body panels don’t have to blend in perfectly like a Ferrari;  rivet those f_ckers together.  It doesn’t have to look like Frankenstein – but it doesn’t have to shine like a “Diamond in a Goat’s Ass”,  either.  The Beetle had a gas gauge (post 1961).  Give me an analog charge meter.  A round button with a needle.   A plug-in unit so if it breaks, I can pop another one in.  In fact, every gauge should be a pop-in replacement analog unit.

Include with each purchase a cable for plug-in charging and a car charge port that’s a robust design.

Give me four-wheel discs that I can get pads in Auto-Zone for – and McPherson struts that are OEM, off-the shelf designs.  In fact, don’t use a single bushing, strut, brake line, fitting, sensor or other do-dad that I can’t get at O’Reilly’s or Pep Boys or PartsGeek.com   That goes for rotors, calipers, hoses, fuses, relays and body panel clips, too.  Use nothing proprietary that isn’t absolutely necessary.

And no – I don’t need a Goddamn screen hanging off my dashboard.  If I want a radio, I’ll buy one – or you can make it some kind of cheapo option.   Use my Smartphone to stream tunes?  Sorry.  I have don’t have a Smartphone.  I use a flip burner.   I don’t need built-in GPS or any software that tracks me, either.  In fact, that’s a deal-breaker.   A chip that manages the battery charge, discharge and power distribution to my wheels and driver’s console is enough, thank you very much.  Minimal big-brother intrusion is the goal here.  Make the interior a Faraday cage if possible.

Don’t spend a lot of time making the car drive smooth as silk – remember the Volkswagen Beetle is your yardstick.  This is basic transportation.

Colors?  Any color you want – as long as it’s black.  Interior?  Functionality wins every time.  Maximize space.  Hollow doors with cavities throughout the car’s interior.  Rubber mats.  Slight tint to the windows.

And – are you ready for thisCrank-up windows and key door locks with an actual key for the two doors and “ignition” on/off switch on the steering column.  No keyless entry, thank you.  If I don’t have my key, tough sheit.

My only compromise?  Air Conditioning and a heater.

Disable and burn each and every function of your engine management software system that monitors driver feedback, records response times, logs mileage, directions, charging locations, conversations inside the vehicle – anything that doesn’t enable the damn car to move forward or backward.  No auto-parking.  No driverless ability.  Prune the software down by 90% – or more.  Take a damn meat ax to it.

If I wanted a sophisticated Tesla, I’d buy one.  The fact is – I don’t.

And make it last.   I’m talking twenty years.  And guarantee the battery for that time period – and accept it for recycling afterwards.  Offer a cut-rate replacement battery pack – that I can install in my garage with basic tools – so the car can go another twenty years.

And finally – drum roll, please.  What’s the price point?

$10,000.  That’s right.  A basic car that any guy can wrench on and keep it going for $10k.

I have no need or desire for a Tesla with all its bells and whistles.  I need something cheap, safe, fixable and reliable.  Something with some serious longevity.  I need rolling practicality.

So there’s your challenge, Elon.  You up to it?

 


Copyright, Jon Croft 2025

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